


Birthday Gift Fics

by that_tired_artist



Category: Original Work, Pip and Beetle Universe
Genre: AU, Body Swap, CRACK ONESHOTS, Chaotic Dumbasses, Random & Short, Short One Shot, body switch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:48:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29946792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/that_tired_artist/pseuds/that_tired_artist
Summary: A series of 13 short, crack oneshots for my friend Kai for their birthday! Find him @eraserdickai on Instagram. These are their ocs, please go ask them about these guys because they're very cool. I'll be posting one fic every day until their birthday :P





	1. Body Swap Au: Day 1 of 13

**Author's Note:**

> AU where Pip and Beetle swap bodies. That's all you need to know.

Beetle was not who you thought of when you thought of a professional chef. He was a bubbly, laid back kind of man, who liked to keep his friends close and his enemies far, far away. He did, in fact, own a successful restaurant.

Beetle was not the kind of person you’d associate with a drug-dealing clown. But sometimes, life happens. Beetle’s best (and only) friend, Pip, was a bit rough around the edges. He would call himself “assertive,” but Beetle would probably describe him as a “lovable asshole.”

Beetle would like to think that Pip was more loveable and less asshole. That wasn’t exactly true, but he could think it. Beetle and Pip lived together, which made it even more difficult for him to avoid Pip on his bad days. This meant he had to figure out ways to work through them. Mostly, he just left Pip alone when he turned into a pissy little gremlin. Beetle found it odd how much Pip hated other people sometimes, since he was a children’s entertainer, after all. From the few parties Beetle had tagged along to, it didn’t seem like Pip liked kids all too much either.

Pip mostly liked hanging out with Pip, if Beetle was being honest with himself. The only other living thing Pip would let in his room was Stormy, his stubborn pitbull who he loved? Loved wasn’t the right word for it. “Tolerated?” Beetle went with “Didn’t actively dislike.” Despite each of their idiosyncrasies, Beetle and Pip lived a pretty normal life up until that morning.

Beetle rolled out of bed, groggily rubbing sleep out of his eyes. Something was off, but he couldn’t quite place it. He reached to shut off his alarm clock which was usually resting on his nightstand, bringing him to two conclusions: his alarm clock wasn’t ringing because it wasn’t on his nightstand, and in fact, he did not have an alarm clock. Or a nightstand. That’s strange, he mused as he stepped out of bed, instantly pitching forwards. What the fuck is this? Why are my legs so shaky? He caught himself on his hands, barely saving himself from slamming into the floor. But there was something off about these hands. They were darker than his own, and the fingers on them were longer than his. 

He concluded, in his sleepy state, that the hands were not his. That’s weird. I should probably go check if the rest of me is me? As he stood up again, he realized how crappy he felt. Ugh, whoever’s body this is needs to lay off a bit, he grumbled as he walked to the bathroom, checking himself in the mirror. Except it wasn’t himself. It was Pip. He was seeing Pip’s reflection. This has to be some sort of prank, he thought as he waved at the mirror and watched Pip’s body wave back, I’m Beetle. He walked down the hallway towards what should have been Pip’s room, only to realize it was the room he was just in. 

In a panic, he checked the next room over, where he should have been sleeping. What he saw chilled him to the bone: himself, still laying in bed, buried under layers of blankets and pillows. Beetle ran into the room, shaking someone —who he assumed might be Pip— awake. “Pip, is that you? What the fuck happened last night? Also, what have you been doing to your body? This thing feels like crap.” He watched his own body startle awake, which was a surreal experience. “Crap, Beetle, it’s me. I’m awake. Why do you look like me?” Beetle was frozen in place, unable to speak. They had switched bodies. This was wrong. He took a deep breath, then addressed Pip. 

“Pip, I think something happened last night and I’m stuck in your body. You’re in mine, too.”

“That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.”

“Listen. Let me walk you to the bathroom, and once you look in the mirror, I think you’ll believe me.”

“Ugh, fine,” Pip said, heaving himself out of bed. As soon as Pip caught a glance of him and Beetle standing in the mirror, he started shaking. “Beetle, this cannot be real. I must be dreaming, right? If you pinch me, I’m gonna wake up.” Beetle grabbed his shoulders and turned him towards him, cringing as he realized that this was how other people saw him. “Well, I’m touching you now, so clearly this is real, and we have some shit to figure out.”

Pip was still a little bit confused. He had been woken up by himself? Who was apparently also Beetle? He was also stuck in Beetle’s body, which was not pleasant at all. He wanted to get back in bed. His bed, not Beetle’s. Instead, he was standing in the freezing cold bathroom, staring at someone else’s face in the mirror. “Look, Beetle,” he said to his friend, “Since we’re stuck like this, why don’t we just switch jobs and stuff for a day?”

“Pip, look. I love you so much. Platonically.” he added, seeing the look on Pip’s face. “But you couldn’t cook to save your life. I might be able to pull off the clown thing, if I could juggle, or tie balloons, or do anything interesting. Do you think kids would like to see me pepin an orange? Do kids even know about knife skills?” Pip cut (no pun intended) Beetle off with a deep sigh. “Look, you just have to go put on my costume, tell some jokes, let them honk your nose or some shit, and then leave. Do you think you can do that?”

“Sure.”

“Great. But just know if you fuck up my costume, I’m going to kill you.

“...Okay then. We still haven’t solved the problem of my job though.”

“Can’t I just microwave it?”

Pip could see Beetle cringing from across the room.

“No, Pip. You cannot make a croque monsieur in a microwave.”

“Okay then, I’m calling in sick.”

“Fine,” Beetle agreed with an exasperated sigh, trudging off to Pip’s room to get his clown costume, “But you’re gonna have to do the clown makeup on me, because I don’t know how to do it.”

By the time Beetle was back with the clown costume on, Pip had pulled out his kit. “Okay, Beetle. This is going to be a bit cold, and I need you to sit still.” Pip loaded up his sponge with white paint, covering up his own face? His friend’s face? He wasn’t sure what to say. “Next is the eyes,” he said, leaning in close to Beetle’s face. Pip could feel Beetle’s breathing slow as he seemed to relax a bit, and he held still as Pip added the blue diamonds around his eyes. Picking up his last brush, he slowly painted Beetle’s lips a bright red. He admired his work, even though it was technically on his own face. 

“Well, that’s done. Go find my shoes and put them on, and you should be good to go.”


	2. Cannibal AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beetle tries to make Pip into a nice soup. No I'm not actually going to write him eating him. yes i am okay why do you ask :)

“Get in the pot, Pip,” Beetle said as he pointed sternly towards a brewing broth. He’d been working at it all day, making sure to get just the right balance of spices and herbs. He had chopped up some vegetables, sauteed some onions, and added some leftover bones (leftover from where he’d never tell) to make sure the stock was nice and hearty. And now Pip didn’t even want to be cooked? "A disgrace," he thought as he grabbed Pip by the back of his shirt, "I would think that it would be an honor to be cooked."

Pip did not want to be cooked and eaten. He had other things to do, like watch Netflix and take naps. When Beetle had dragged him into the kitchen to show him his new recipe, he’d never expected that he’d end up IN the recipe. “Let go of me, dumbass!” Pip yelled, trying to wriggle out of the firm grip Beetle had on the back of his shirt. Pip kicked at Beetle’s shins, but Beetle was stronger (and bigger) than him. Before long, he’d knocked Pip to his knees, tying his hands behind his back and knotting his legs together. Beetle was whistling as if this was a normal occurrence. This was not a normal occurrence, and Pip wasn’t ready to die yet.

Beetle picked Pip up and tossed him into the warm pot. Pip was clearly unhappy about this, but what was he going to do about it? Kick and hit? Nope, that's why he was tied up. Scream? He could still scream. And scream he did. All throughout Beetle’s kitchen rang the sounds of Pip’s yells, until Beetle slammed the lid on the pot.


End file.
